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_____________________________________________ World Cup Times _____________________________________________ First Edition The Leader in World Cup Reporting June 1, 1999 MOONKIDS TAKE-OVER US
In what can only be described as earth shattering news, the US has been invaded by bridge addicts from Space. Across the US people are running for their lives from what many are now considering one the biggest slaughter in the galaxy. Two bridge addicts from the Moon landed in the US on Saturday and are demanding World Excellence Points. MoonUsBaby and MoonUsLove say they are seeking to dominate the World Excellence Point Market through their innovative and provocative fast card flinging style. When asked what makes their system so out of this world they replied: "We are so confused by bidding on earth we don’t even know ourselves anymore, what chance does the opposition really have." Captain Lolopuffin from Venus & Mars quadrant, has put out an alert after they reportedly stole technology secrets on the recently unveiled cloaking cards from Plyannet Buck. They were last seen in the game sector where they were reportedly cornered by the Jedi Warriors. Through eye witness accounts, they took out a deck of cards, shuffled them 3 times quickly and said MoonUsBaby" and disappeared. WARNING: Sometimes the MOONKIDS wear a disguise and look like innocent little human babies. Be on the lookout for two little babies who sit in front of their computer all day and yell "MoonUsBaby". They sometimes dress up like little green frogs and ET and can be very dangerous. If you see them, do not play cards with them - Call Capt. LOLO for eradication.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________ World Cup Times _____________________________________________ First Edition The Leader in World Cup Reporting June 1, 1999 The Owl and the Octopus to save United Kingdom
United Kingdom - As the Unites States braces itself for another day of terror caused by the Moonkids, an unlikely pair have stepped forward vowing to save the British Isles from the expected Alien Invasion. OscarOwl, the eccentric talking Owl from Northern England and RuefulRab, the incorrigible Octopus, who has been slamming his way through the country for years, have joined forces it what many are saying is the greatest hope the British Isles has to defend itself against the bridge addicts from space. Speaking from his seaside menagerie, RuefulRab has told authorities that the duo have devised a heady plan to deal with the two bridge babies. "We will ply them with an overdose of ACOL and have our way with them. The ACOL we use in the British Isles is toxic to their little alien minds; and I am sure they have not yet developed a resistance to our particularly nasty strain of Sharples." OscarOwl could not be reached for comment in his loft but has vowed "The British are safe and there is no reason to be alarmed. The octopus can hold up to eight hands at once and will baffle them with brilliance when we meet. We shall give them a spanking they will never forget and send them on their merry way back to their mummies."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________ World Cup Times _____________________________________________ First Edition The Leader in World Cup Reporting June 1, 1999 ---dateline---6-12-99---1400ET--- ---correspondent---FGMitchell--- Bridge Tourney Roughed
With stealth like cunning they plotted over how to bring this long and arduously planned event to a screeching halt. But who, you may ask, who were "they." This band of saboteurs, cloaked in darkness and huddled in secrecy. Their twisted minds clinging to a desperate hope of destroying the "one true test" of social, political, cultural and yes even intellectual correctness. The list of suspects is endless. Countless numbers of potential perpetrators. Was it the French, or their greed stricken toll booth workers, concerned that a successful and cooperative effort here would inevitably lead to a tunnel of our own thus sapping their new found livelihood? Or could it be the Chinese or Japanese, viewing this as the last of many conspiratorial face-slapping, and reacting to a long lack of recognition in the loftiest of social circles. Finally, in one swift action they could avenge themselves on the snobs of golf, and tennis and yes……………..ultimate Frisbee. Or could it have been the colonialists themselves? Could the Queen's PR people be plotting to get the name of the event changed to HM Bridge Challenge 1999 to help secure her crown well into the new millennium. Or perhaps it was a Parliament sanctioned "black op" designed to avoid casting a bright and questioning spotlight on all things British in the likely event of another rout of their forces by the revolutionists. Some have have even suggested CIA concern over an alien infiltration at the highest levels on the US team. To all of these theories I say nay. Having spent the last 2 months wandering ceaselessly through the halls of WP I got my first clue today when I found myself asking my family to grant me this afternoon as a birthday gift so that I may play in this event with a clear conscience instead of going out somewhere to celebrate it with them. I saw them huddling secretly and speaking in hushed terms while they thought I was otherwise occupied playing a hand of bridge. Fortunately, I was the "dummy" and so I went in for closer observation only to have my worst fears confirmed. It is the evil work of rival gangs that befuddles and delays our purposes. No my friends, not of the obvious, the OKs or the GS's of the world as likely as that would seem. No, I'm referring to the hard-core, brutal, savage and bloodthirsty gangs of local party bridge leagues. Apparently they have been plotting for months to bring this tournament to an embarrassing halt in a desperate attempt to regain control over their dwindling ranks. Through clandestine meetings all across both countries, funded by the likes of sinister and vindictive playing card manufacturers, they have created a scheme to convince our very own, unwitting, family members that WP is really a mind and time controlling CULT whose sole purpose is to siphon off their potential inheritances. Now they have summoned up this delay as a method of intervention in a purported attempt to bring us all back to reality. But fear not and buck up my fellow bidders. Our leaders will guide us to the light and will ultimately shower the chosen few with the rewards we so desperately seek -- Champagne and Chocolates -- (just to keep the French and the Swiss off our backs -- geez). Or maybe Jacki just forgot to pay the electric bill - you decide. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________ World Cup Times _____________________________________________ First Edition The Leader in World Cup Reporting June 1, 1999
Dateline: June 19, 1999 - Correspondent: Nigel M. Twit UK WINS MATCH OF MILLENNIUM London, UK, You might have to go back to VE day to recall a more memorable day of excitement, pride and exhilaration on behalf of this city. And, back then, we were much beholden to our allies to the west as we joined forces to bring Hitler's tyranny to an end. This time chums we did it, virtually, on our own (with only minimal help from the yanks who served as tolerable, albeit uninspired, stand-ins for the truly talented Royal Association of Bridgers).Yes it's true mates the RAB were impressively victorious scoring an incredible 96.5 points compared to a mere 83.5 for the revolutionaries. This morning the BBC officially announced that "We have captured the coveted Cup of Triumph" with champagne and chocolates going to the most successful team of the tournament Oscar Owl and Rueful "RAB" (current leader of the organization and it's namesake). With a tournament high score of 11 victories, it is rumoured that that the pair may be knighted forthwith by the Queen Mother herself and that a proclamation may be issued by the Prime Minister to the Houses of Parliament in due course. Laughter and music filled the air on the streets and in the pubs, while Downing Street looked like Times Square on New Year's Eve. And on every street corner and in every pub you could hear the lads singing along to the newest and most popular fight song to come along since Over There was written by one of them over there (words and music provided for those rare few of you who may have been locked away somewhere for the last 2 days and haven't heard it as yet). Tournament Players Rhapsody (to the tune of My Favorite Things)
Butterfly tummies and two packs of ciggies, hoping for good cards and hoping for biggies. Wonder if partner is thinking like me, all we need do is to win more than three.
Three hearts and four clubs then four hearts and four No, looking for five spade response just so I’ll know that we can do it, that we can slam, that we can boom at the end of this hand.
Oh no five clubs, that cant mean four, cause I’m looking at one. I'll bid five hearts then I’ll hope for a lead that lets me finesse a ton.
Doubled and down two, its only the first hand. Three hundred points down, can we make it back. We won't get worried cause we are the best, long as it first chuk and we are east/west.
Now we got them, they're retreating, this is so much fun, it's almost like being at Concord or Lex, except you don't need the gun.
I guess the only thing left to ponder now is how are the young tikes across the pond taking the bad news? I, for one, intend to leave for Washington D.C. to get a first hand look at the competition. Inspired by the performance of my countrymen, I figure I ought to be able to pick up quite a few WEP's while in town. And, who knows, if all goes well we may even evict that chum living on Pennsylvania Avenue. Rest assured mates my first order of business then would be to collect all those back tea taxes. I'll report back on the colonial carnage as quickly as possible. GSTQ and her RAB.
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